06.17.23

I am twenty-seven today.

I have, historically, never been good with change. I cried when I finished third grade and “graduated” elementary school because I was a little too aware of the passage of time and the fleeting nature of childhood (I was a very fun nine-year-old). Birthdays bring out the side of me that tearily walked off the bus on the last day of school in June 2005.

I threw myself a birthday party last year because I felt like I was in a pretty good place. I had hit my stride with my job, I had wonderful friends and a great life that I’d built around me, all of which really softened the blow of having to pay for my own health insurance. The birthday blues were not as prevalent as they have been for me in the past, as I have pretty consistently cried on my birthday every year since I turned twenty. I felt good enough to have a bunch of people over and bake a cake and set up a nice little spread and say thank you to everyone who wished me a happy birthday upon entering my apartment.

I wouldn’t categorize how I’m feeling right now as Birthday Blues either, but I am not throwing myself a party this year (at least not on my actual birthday/birthday weekend — I might in a few weeks. We’ll see. If you’re reading this you’re invited). I feel the kind of Fine that shouldn’t be exacerbated by a spotlight. I feel more anticipatory than depressed. I feel a little like I just want to get through the day.

My mom has been telling me for a couple of months that I am in a “transition period,” which is always a fun thing to have reported to you. I hate to say that I’m on the “precipice” of a lot of “positive change” in my “life,” especially on my birthday (how contrived), but my mom is usually right, so I’ll go ahead and give her this one. I think things will look pretty differently for me this time next year. Frankly, despite my aversion to change, I hope things look pretty different. I’m feeling like I’m ready to shake things up. I want a different job. I want things in my life to evolve a little bit. Gross!

I’m getting brunch with three of my friends at 3:15 this afternoon, and then three of us are going to the Las Culturistas Culture Awards at Lincoln Center, an event thrown in my honor. If you have read this short little blog and would like to further gift me with your time, there are a handful of essays on this website that I’ve written that you could read if you might like to do that. Happy my birthday to you.